Emerging You

 After writing the last blog entry, “Do we listen enough” I thought I’d offer some additional tips on improving one’s listening skills:

Tips to be a better listener 

So how can we continue to develop our listening skills?  The following are just a few tips to get started:

• Listen with respect and validation – How often do you find yourself listening to somebody and just waiting to jump on them for a fault or weakness?  I challenge you to try listening for something you can respect or validate. I’m not saying you have to agree with the person, just think about how you can respect their opinion or view.
• Listen without thinking how you’re going to respond - When I was taking a coaching certification class, this was a big challenge.  My coach asks the most amazing questions and I put a lot of pressure on myself to have just the right question. So during the practicum piece of the certification class, I was so busy trying to come up with a great, profound question, I wasn’t listening to the person with whom I was coaching.  As a coach, as a leader, as a parent, as a team member, it’s SO important to just listen. The key is to put your own thoughts, feelings, reactions aside and to just be with the person talking. In other words, you need to attend to their words, put yourself in their shoes and keep an open mind to truly hear and feel what they are saying.
• Listen with optimism – be open to the possibilities!  I can’t tell you how many times I hear people talk about a new proces, a new concept, some way to improve something and more often than not, it’s met with “that will never work.”  Try to focus on what’s positive, why it could work, etc… Try to listen with positive regard for capabilities, strength, and try to change the focus to something positive. Even in the worst of times, there is something positive to find.

One of Winston Churchill’s quotes comes to mind when I think about the topic of listening: 

 ”Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” 

When we listen, we do so for a variety of reasons.  We listen with the intent to understand, to learn, to gain information, or to be entertained.  So with all these reasons, why do so many people struggle with their listening skills?  Sure, people are busy, they think they know what the other person is going to say and more often than not, they aren’t really paying attention. 

How could your personal and professional life change if you became a really good listener?  Well, for starters, it can improve productivity, it can improve your ability to influence others, and you will become a much better negotiator and persuader.

My role as a coach is to ask questions and listen to the answers.  I have to listen carefully and sometimes I have to listen to what is not being said.  It’s a skill that is continuously developing!  I sometimes want to interrupt and give my opinion or a piece of advice; however, if I interrupt, I may change the line of thinking a client is pursuing and that is not giving my client my best coaching.  When I listen I have to do so with an open mind, I have to practice what is called “active listening.” This means I listen to the words and more importantly I must listen with the intent of understanding the meaning of the message I am receiving. I cannot allow myself to be distracted, I can’t allow myself to start solving their problem, I can’t allow myself to lose focus, and I certainly can’t interrupt.

When you listen, are you practicing “active listening?”  This doesn’t mean saying, “uh-huh!”  It means you’re paying attention, you might mirror the communication (what I hear you saying is…), you’re listening with an open mind (no judgement), you’re listening with optimism, and you’re doing all of this w/out formulating your response before the person is done talking.  Yep, that takes courage alright!  How courageous will you be with your listening skills?